***R*O*B*I*N*I*T*A**** poppa pitta

ok...last week i had probally the worst day of my life and i feel like i wanna die right now. my grandpa died last monday and he was really close to me and i really can't imagine not having him there to talk to anymore. i miss him....i just came back from new york for his funeral.....i was a mess! i dont think i've cried so much in my life:(

but i know he his in a better place....a better place without cancer...and i know there he can look after me.

i love you:)

Im sorry......

couldnt really sleep last nite so.....i stayed up.whats i usually do actually.but school starts on monday and i need to get back to my sleep pattern. i will be at BCC central again, so for all the other losers that fo there...i'll see ya:/
alot goin on actually....got fired from gay ass gameworks, shithole...i dont even think i did anything wrong,but im over it..people need to grow up. i got a new job at Blockbuster..everyone should know why im so excited about that job:) im getting a new car..finally,my dad wants to help me out. carla's birthday is on monday,so tell her happy bithday, and my birthday is in a month.20 20 20!!! ahhhhhh
me and leo have the same b-day,kinda sucks...lol..yea
i wanna watch terminater 2 and eat mashed potatoes with gravy:/
peace mothas

i definately forgot about this thing.......
i think its been like two years since i last wrote in here. well....things are good. living with my lovely nick and of course my carla:) starting school in august..very excited
i just got fired from gameworks, dont go there,they suck. but im working at blockbuster now,so im happy. i just moved back from Boston a couple of months ago and everyone always asks me why would i move back here....well, i moved down here when i was ten and ever sice then i always told myself that i want to live up there with my family.but when i moved up there i realized how important nick was and i was sooo lost without my family that i had to come back. i dont care where i live, as long as nick and my family are close by i can deal.
nick is another story...
we've been together for almost three years now (oct 31) and i cant believe that ive only been with one person and he is the one i want to marry. right now we've been going through some rough times, but i cant stand being without him and im so lucky to have him there for me:) anyone who is around us for like ten seconds can tell we were meant for eachother.im the only person that can handle him and he is definately the only person that can deal with my bullshit.but yea...u can come to our wedding:)i love u

well....20 more days until my birthday...woop woop,im excited...
ummmm...there is nothing really to update about my pathetic life.i got to see into the moats last show before they left on tour.their drummer emailed me again and said thanks for coming:)heehee carla got her tattoo for her birthday..that was fun.she also broke up with ben, whitch wasnt a bad idea.oh..and carla is moving into her own apartment with leo...it will be soooo awesome because i will sleep over like every night.nelson is here and we are really happy that he can come down one last time before he leaves and goes off over there.when h comes back...he is gunna move to boston with me carla and nick:)yayay i still dont have a car...me and my mom are sharing a car, and lately i've been getting a ride home from Jed...thanks soooooo much!!!!!! other than that things cant really get any better...laters

so,school starts soon and im probally the only person in the entire planet that is excited for it to come.actually wishing for it to come sooner.wishing wont really help. i've relized this summer that i need friends...not like any i have had before...real friends..like seriously.thats one reason i cant for school to start and thats why i never wrote in this thing lately and why i havent been around.i havent been depressed or anything like that. i went back to flanagan yesterday with carla(the only other person that understands most of me)anyways....
i just laughed and looked back on my high school days..not really much to show for it except a piece of paper that says i graduated and yearbook full of faces that have no meaning. me and carla never got to know people...but we did understand what kind of people everyone is and we didnt like it. i'm glad that we grew up our senior year and relized how cruel people can really be without being cruel..meeting carla probally saved the begining of my high school years and meeting nick saved the end of my high school.people can be so amazingly helpful in this world and yet they decide to make other lives as well as there's horrible. they care more about there own problems like how they are going to get to that concert on friday or how much gas thy will waste to take a friend somewhere. people are so caught up in there own shit that no one every looks around and appreciates things or people...until it or they are gone...sucks actually.
so when i start meeting new people and studying hard...actually making something of myself, i wish...well as i said before, wishing wont make anything happen.......

oh what a shame...people change...oh how they change...

so when i said before that ben was thinking about moving, i meant he was like moving in with matt and pete and a whole bunch of people.but i guess people make their own conclusions about shit that i write.well, he is thinking about doing that and carla was only upset that day because she said that he isn't treating her the way she wants him too.he doesnt buy her flowers or surprises her with little things and she got upset, thats all.it wasnt a huge deal or anything, she just got a little upset and needed someone to talk to too.she loves that kid to death and he loves her too, they will be together for a lot longer.
as for me, well im kinda mad people cant really read.

sometimes i can be a an asshole and sometimes i can be very selfish...it's just the way i am sometimes.i wish sometimes i could be a better girlfiend,to appreciate all the little things that he does for me...buys me flowers when i had a shitty day,picks me up from work even though he lives far from it,pays almost everynight we go out,buys me stuff at walmart...the kisses the hugs and the lovin.all the things i can ask for and more,but i always seem to be asking for more.well i'm sorry,i just want you to know that i do appreciate you as my love.when i see myself in my dreams getting married and having kids i see it with you. i cant imagine doing that with anyone else. i dont care that you are my first and last in everything, i dont care if you parents don't like me or not and i dont care that they won't let me come over, i dont care that you dont have an apartment yet. i would rather have you save your money so in two years we can go to boston a live together in a great place, i dont care if you buy me a dog or not, i love everything about you. i love your breathing while you sleep, the annoying faces you make when you sip your soda out of a straw,the way your hand still sweats when we hold hands, the way the color of your eyes magnifies me, the way carla makes fun of your butt, the laughs you make, the way you try to impercinate my different sounds,the movements you make when you sleep, everything about you. i love it all.dont ever think i can live without you, because i wouldnt be able to. if you dont think you can do everything for me, just remember that i dont care,i have you and thats all i care about.

i woke up at 10:30 by the sound of someone knocking on my window.i crawled out of bed and opened the door and saw my carla. didnt say a word and walked into the house and climbed into my bed and fell asleep. i took of my glasses and crawled in next to her.we talked forever.she cried all last night becasue ben is thinking about moving .it sucks to know this and not be able to fix it for her and make her feel better.i hate that she is hurting and it breaks my heart to see her like that.it sucks

so it's been forever.only becasue i dont want to remind everyone that i live:)summer is great,tons of awesome shows and disturbing visions..you had to be there...lots of fun with my hubbie nick,who is now 21!our two years is creeping around the corner,halloween...going to BCC in davie.lots of people with nothing on their mind.my brothers have been gone for about a month.they went back home in massachusetts,everyone wanted to see me too..but work had to be worked.got asked out by like a million people this summer..yeah, now they ask me,when i have someone..figures.
i dont really miss n-e one from high school...it may sound cruel, but no one really knew how much i hated high school. i mean i miss some people,but..ya im glad that part of my life is over.growing up is great:)even though i still watch cartoons and eat ceral out in the living room when im not supposed to. people ask me how can i live without my other half carla.easy...i don't... i see her all the time.she got a car, so we go to random places all the time.we laugh about it because poeple used to make up excuses to not drive me and carla home or somewhere we needed to go, and now, carla will call me and ask if i ned a ride ne where.everyone tells me that she will be just like all my other friends..i will outgrow her and get new friends..i dont think so..we are pretty much the same person and plus we are goin to PERU in like two years,and we are basically going to live with eachother in a couple of months:0
nelson came to visit us...it was fun, i wish he could have stayed longer.but the army calls..stupid army.i'm getting my tattoos soooon..im excited and im gunna get my two lips pierced...yayayayaya..excited..
remebering never was the greatest,me and carla sang in pete's mike again!so lovely.getting into fights with people..me and carla love it.
I see trees of green........ red roses too
I watch 'em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....warm sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are there on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin'.. how do you do
They're really sayin'......I love you.

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
They'll learn much more.....than I'll never know
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are there on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin'.. how do you do
They're really sayin'...*SPOKEN*(I ....LOVE....YOU).

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
*SPOKEN*(You know their gonna learn
a whole lot more than I'll never know)
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself .......what a wonderful world.

..........blah

ok...im not dead, just hanging out at home and not taking ne ones calls.not that ne one cares or ne thing.i relized while staying home and having all this time on my hands, i miss my nick..i never really relized that i never get to see him, it sucks soooo bad,but i talked to him last night and i feel soooo much better.i feel better..yep

i havent really been myslef lately and it really sucks because i used to always being the one that smiles and laughs and has a good time...lately that person has definetly not been me.my parents think im on drugs or something ridiculius like that...all i have to day is the luck hasnt exactly been on my side.i set the alarm off at my video store and of course i was the only one there so i had to figure out the code, and then the cops came.nice...sunday, my purse was stolen and me and nick thought that his mom stole it.how fucking sick is that???his mom...well that is the way his parents amke me feel. then my dad went over there that same night and was cursing at nicks mom because she was drunk and didnt know what had happened.now, i can never go over nicks house becasue his dad already hated me before, and now he banned me from his house. nicks mom kept calling the house that night and driving my mother insane.so, i get home..no purse,relized that my keys were in there!!!my keys to my store.i almost shit myself and called my boss who was soooooooooo pissed and said that he has never had to deal with so much in one person.then i stayed home yesterday becasue i felt sick, and while i was home, i stubbed my toe sooo hard that i might have broken it!!!omg..then, last night i got into this HUGE fight with my mom about cleaning ever single thing in my room, i was like MOOOM ure driving mr crazy and she got pissed and tryed hitting me..which never hurts.whatever..i was falling asleep and she turned on my light and she started wailing on me. she told me to move out because i wasnt acting like a daughter, that i was making her life so miserable...my dad called me today and asked me if iwanted to speak to a psychologist..i said i cant BE a psychologist if i need to see a psychologist. he didnt understand and told me to at least talk to him...ok...he said that is nick what you really want?do you want a family where you arent welcome in?i said in the most grown up way as possible..i dont care if they dont like me or if the dont want me and nick to be together. i dont care, becasue nick is all i care about. if i marry nick and they dont come, i dont care, if we have kids and they dont come to see them, i dont care...because they dont matter to me..nick does. ans my parents think that im being to selfish and they keep on hinting to break up with him..thats not the way its going to be..i dont think so. i love him soooo much and i couldnt imagine my life without him:)


well, enough drama...school is over tommorow!!!!!HOLY SHIZZA..my grandpa is coming tommorow as well as my aunt and my two cousins!!!yea yea yea....and nelson is coming on thursday.woop woop...we are going back to flanagan on friday before my rehersal because he wants o see flaher while he is down here...i also got to see star wars finally!!!!!it was soooooooo goood...darth vader is soooooooo hot...HELLLOO??? i love the dark side!!!yessssssssssss.wwell, i guess thats all.....pooop

hello...im doind a research paper that is due tommorow and if it isnt good or i forget something, then i am completly fucked. so im am under a little bit of stress right now. i hate myself for putting things off at the last second.damned my stubborness.
i havent updated in a while and i miss everyone. i graduate in like 10 days or so and im not that excited to graduate, im excited to go to school.like real school.college.yes!prom was fun, i have some hilaruos pics!!!

I NEED GRADUATION TICKECTS IF NE ONE ISNT USING THEirs!!!!!!!!

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i know i have been acting weird lately, and im sorry.i reliezed that i am unhappy with myself and i want to change. my mom was crying the other night because she doesnt want me to feel this way and my dad wouldnt even talk to me like a normal person. i never saw it coming, but now i need to change.for myself. im feeling a little better now. i've gotten back to writing a lot in a new journal(with pen and paper)for some reason it is much more peaceful.i've been running every night and not eating any carbs or fried foods.it sucks..yea, but i know it will end up in my own happiness:)

so idont know why, but i have been really sad lately.i was listening to placebo the other day while waiting for the bus and almost cried. this song was so sad and beutiful.when i got on the bus i relized everyday i sit alone, talk to no one, and when i get to school isit in a hallway by my class and read a book. i dont really talk to anyone anymore. i never actually talked to anyone though about shit goin on in my head.
i was on the bus and i looked at the kid in front of me and he was sitting alone too. he was an ese student at my school,but he seemed nicer than anyone i have evr known. no one will understand this except me and i know this for a fact. to me, evryone puts on a show, they dress nice and talk different..everyone.
it sucks to know that the world consists of mostly fake people.
the boy in front of me was looking out the window and i stared at his eyes. they were empty, just like mine.

so, i fell asleep on the cheese wagon this morning! i have a big red spot on my forhead. me and carla are going to try and leave today after first hour!! we need to work on our tan:) what??!! it is a good excuse right?
well, i really need it. plus im really tired and i want to take a nap.i am extremely tired!!!
i've been thinking a lot about our relationship and how we work and i find myself smiling every time.i cant wait untill the future.people say that they dont want to grow up fast, but i kinda do!

so....whats been goin on??

~Got my prom dress on saturday! i love it sooooooooooo much.$$200$$!!!!i paid 150 and my mom paid the rest..thanks mom.
my grandma gave me a purse to go with it.i'm gunna wear my pearl necklace that my dad gave me when i was younger and my pearl earrings. i need to buy a pearl braclet and i want to get pearl bobby pins:):):) i have a hair appointment on may 6th at 245!my grandma is buying me shoes to go with it and all i need to get is that flower thingy for nick:)
i cant wait!
its gunna be so great.
im here at school...i hate these people that are looking at me!!!ahhhhhhhhhhhh, i cant wait till i graduate, i only have like 1 month left!!OMG!!
I MISS U NELSOOOOON!!!!!
~nick is going to look at the apartment today with me and carla and ben! he is gunna love it. they are hopefully gunna apply for their credit to be approved.i cant wait to stay there. my mom was flipping out when i told her. she was like YOUR NOT MOVING OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!!! i was like...ummmmm i know, i'm the only person that doesnt think about moving in with their boyfriend that they have been with for like a year and a half. i told her that i want to stay at the house for a while, but i want to stay at the apartment a couple of nights a week! she approved and said ok:)
my uncle is giving me his car for a $1.50!!! yea yea yea!!!
well the bell just rang and i have to go!
i love you all

went to school..went to first hour and left after like 10 minutes to go on our field trip! we left at like 8:30 and we hit traffic, so we didnt get there till like 10:30..on the way there, me,carla,mila,day NUH,and a couple of other wierdos were looking out the back of the bus..we saw two crazy old woman and a g unit chinesse man!!then we finally got there and spent like 10 minutes in the museum.everyone but mila, carla and day NUH went to ruby tuesdays to eat, while we found a nice little spot and ate our lunch
THEN..on the way home we decided to annoy everyone on the bus!!we sang the most retarded songs and annoyed the shit out of people.ms rust kept looking back and giving us the eye, but it was the funniest time EVER!!!i guess you had to be there!
after school, i went with carla,ben and this girl ashley to look at apartments. we found this really nice three bedroom with a garage and all this really neat stuff!! i told my mom about it and she flipped out..she didnt even let me tell her that im NOT moving in with them.she is so funny.i'm gunna give nick like a hundred dollars a month though, because i'll be there like all the time..
havent heard from BCC yet..so dont really know anything about that yet...
im going prom dress shopping tommorow with my grandma!woop woop!! cant wait:0
my aunt gave me this dress that she wore at a wedding...its red and is really nice, but i still wanna check out some other crapolas.
i have nothing further to say except I LOVE YOU ALL AND IM GOING TO GO TAKE A SHITAKIE!!! yummmm yummmm yummmm